Jon Stewart, ever the happy employee in his running joke of begrudgingly working Monday nights at The Daily Show, ruefully acknowledged being back at his post after being on vacation for over a month. As such, it was his first taping since the Paramount-Skydance merger officially went through in early August.
“I was a little worried,” the late-night host began. “We took the back-end of the summer off there, and I don’t know if you noticed, but we have new owners here at the network. Didn’t know if they would let us back in the building? But, good news, we have not heard from them, but one of the windows was left unlocked, so here we are.”
A majority of Stewart’s segment delved into the Make-A-Wish kid vibe president Donald Trump has cultivated with his team of yes-men’s relentless obsequiousness. But, as his episode title reads, “If Trump Isn’t Dying, Why Is He Being Treated Like a Make-A-Wish Kid?”
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“You reporters have no chill,” Stewart commented on the rumors of POTUS’ death, which sprang up after the leader hadn’t been seen for days by the public. “A guy can’t take a few days for some R&R and a nonsurgical breast reduction without everybody suddenly pulling out the toe tags on the president? It does say something about the ubiquity of Donald Trump in our lives that we don’t hear from him for 20 minutes, and we’re like, ‘He’s dead.’”
He continued, taking a shot across the aisle, “But, of course, Trump didn’t die in office, but I wouldn’t put it past him: trying once again to take credit for something Biden had already accomplished.”
Noting Trump’s diagnosis of venous insufficiency, a common condition resulting in swelling and skin changes due to improper vein valve functioning, Stewart said, “By the way, it’s not just the cankles he’s got going. The whole meat bag seems to be having some kind of drainage issue.”
Flashing a widespread image of Trump’s discolored hand, the comic quipped: “Jesus, grandpa! Put ’em away, holy sh–. And what’s with the makeup? It’s not like you can treat leprosy at Sephora. By the way, may I remind you, these are just the parts poking out that we can see.”
By the end of the program, Stewart argued Trump was less like a sick child making final wishes, but rather like the six-year-old with terrible powers in the eighth episode of the third season of The Twilight Zone, who can banish those he is displeased by to a cornfield. (As an example of institutional kowtowing, Stewart cited the Supreme Court ruling in favor of Trump’s unconstitutional practice of unleashing ICE raids in L.A. based on race, language and neighborhood.)
Donning the seminal anthology series’ black-and-white filter and adopting its narrative voice, Stewart concluded, “For your consideration, a nation held hostage by the fragile ego of a man-baby president, who may or may not be dying of hand-syphilis. But is puffy, he’s very … he’s certainly — I don’t know if he’s dying — he’s weirdly puffy. And who we’re trapped with for at least three more years. In the Twilight Zone.”
Watch the full episode below: